I had an appointment today. Everything looked great. I asked the doctor about stress and the effects it can have on a baby. She gave me the typical spill, but I think she knew there was something deeper that was bothering me. I broke down. I told her about Paedn. I told her how I am trying my best to stay calm but it is just not working. I told her about my friend who lost her baby during delivery. I told her I am worried because Lorelei had decreased in movement. She was crying with me. She order an ultrasound and within the hour I was in the back watching my little girl. I was so relieved and so excited I had the opportunity to really check on Lorelei and know she is doing ok. She is beautiful! She is measuring right on track at 4lbs 8 oz (she said plus or minus a pound!) and measuring 15inches long. She is going to be our long, skinny little lady! Oh and yes, it is still a girl! Which is a huge relief because I had all these dreams about her really coming out as a him. I found out the reason why I am not feeling her movements a lot is because the placenta is in front of her, right against my belly. So, she is basically using this as her punching bag. Her head is down, thank goodness, and she is riding pretty low. She definitely has a sassy personality. The nurse was tapping on my stomach to make her switch positions and Lorelei just shrugged and rolled over like, "Ugh, leave me alone." The nurse was laughing and narrated the whole thing for me. I am so grateful I had the ultrasound done. I am so grateful that the doctor I met with understood my stress and knew what I needed to help ease my mind. It is now one less thing I have to worry about.
My Love
Monday morning I received a text from Paedn saying that the guys at work are telling him he is talking like he is having a stroke. An hour later I finally got to talk to him and come to find out, they were right. There was something wrong with him. When we talked, his words were very dragged out and you could tell it was a huge effort for him to try and say something. I had no idea what to do. Thankfully, he works with his dad. I told him to go talk to his dad and see if he notices anything different. After we hung up, I called my mom. No answer. I called his mom, no answer. I felt blind. I had no idea what to do. I fell to my bed and cried. I cried harder than I have ever cried before. I pleaded in prayer that Paedn would be alright. I felt frantic. It had been ten minutes and still I didn't know what to do. I called Paedn. He said his dad was in a meeting. He had no idea what time he was going to be done. I told him he needed to go find him now and talk to him. I tried to stay calm. I felt like a chicken with it's head cut off. I tried calling my mom again, no answer. I was pacing around the house. I felt sick. What should I do? What should I do! I decided I needed to drive up to work and see Paedn, check on him myself. I tried to hurry and get ready but it felt like I was moving in slow mode. Finally, his dad called me. He said there is something seriously wrong with Paedn. We had no idea where to take him. The ER? No, they are expensive. Maybe the urgent care? I hung up the phone and cried. I kept walking through my house to the outside and I kept crying. I had no idea what to do. I tried calling my mom again, no answer. I called my dad. I tried to talk without sounding frantic. Dad told me we needed to go the the ER, he said he would meet me up there. I called Levi and told him I would meet him at the hospital. I cried all the way to the hospital. My mom finally called me. I told her where I was going and she said she would meet me up there. I finally got to the hospital. I had to park on the third level of the parking garage. I cried all the way down the stairs. I got to the front door and my sister called me. I told her what was happening. I asked her to start praying for Paedn. Levi and Paedn pulled up front of the ER. Paedn was all smiles. He gave me a hug. He kept saying, "I don't know why I am here. I am fine. The guys say I am talking funny but I don't know why they are saying that." I choked backed tears. He was scaring me but I couldn't let him see me weak. I just smiled. I said, "Yes, you are fine love. We are here just to make sure." We walked hand in hand into the ER up to the front counter. He offered me the chair but I made him sit instead. He kept rubbing my belly and smiling. He was so cute. We got him all checked in and they brought us a wheel chair. Paedn stared at it, "I am not using that." I couldn't help but laugh. Man, does he have some pride! I love it! This is where Paedn's memory is gone. The last thing he remembered was checking in. We were lead into the back where they took his blood pressure. Levi asked the nurse if we could give him a blessing but she said no, there is no time, he was already several hours into this and he could be having a stroke. My mom walked into the back and I started crying again. I followed the nurse pushing Paedn in the wheel chair and mom wrapped her arm around me. I watched as they hooked Paedn up to all sorts of monitors. They kept kept asking him- raise your arms, squeeze my hand, stick out your tongue, flex your feet. He still had some of his mobility, it was just very, very weak. When he raised his arms it was if he was trying to bench 500lbs. He was asked to sing Happy Birthday. He looked confused. He didn't know what to say. If you know Paedn, you know his love for music. He remembers every random trivia answer; he remembers all the lyrics. I sat in the corner. I cried every time Paedn looked away and smiled and winked at him every time he looked at me. There was a doctor in the back observing everything. He's like, "Honey, why are you sitting back here in the corner? Don't you want to go be with your husband?" I looked up teary eyed, "Yes, I just don't want to be in the way." He grabbed my hand and helped me stand up and lead me up to Paedn. I smiled because Paedn just looked so happy I was standing by him. I held his hand, I rubbed his cheek, I kissed his forehead. I tried to be the comfort I knew he needed. He looked up at me, "I am scared," he confessed. We both started crying. I told him everything would be fine! I asked him who his favorite band was, maybe even his favorite song. He had no idea. I just kept rubbing his face. He is so handsome. As the nurse came in to take him to the back he looked at me and said, "Dreams." "Yes!!" I cheered. "Yes, Paedn that is your favorite song." "Van Halen," he smiled, "50/51." He now remembered his favorite song, band, and the album it was on. I smiled, "Don't they have a bar named after that album?" He shook his head no, "studio," he said. I was crying. I was so happy. He made the nurses stop wheeling him out of the room. He got his mom's attention and said, "Dreams. Van Halen." I announced to the room he was so proud of himself that he remembered his favorite song that he just had to share. The nurses looked pleased and laughed. Paedn was back in good spirits. When he returned from the CAT scan, I could see his smiling face all the way down the hall. His father was now able to give him a blessing. This is where Paedn's memory picks up again. After the blessing had been said, the doctor who had been in the room observing the whole time looked up and smiled, "I know you are in good hands." He left and we never saw him again. Now, there was just a lot of waiting around. You could tell all of this was taking it's toll on Paedn. He was exhausted. All he wanted to do was eat and go to sleep. But, we had to wait. Finally, the neurologist came in. He said there was nothing "organically" wrong with Paedn. It is something that they are calling Conversion Disorder. They are saying that all of this is being brought on by stress and anxiety. When Paedn was discharged he had his memory back and was completely able to move. His speech is still gone though. He tries so hard to talk. His words are very labored he gets tired quickly. He can say "Hilary" very well, which I love to hear. "Lorelei" is a very difficult name to say though, he decided to give her the nickname of "Ellie". It is much easier for him to say. I love it.
Now, we are just taking things step by step. We practice saying words. He found out he likes playing the harmonica because it releases this pressure in his chest. He keeps saying he will get better. He is so optimistic. I am so proud to call him my husband. He is so much stronger than I am. I cry. I cry a lot. I wish I knew what exactly was wrong; how exactly to help him. I know the Lord will never give us a greater challenge than what we can handle. There is a lesson to be learned here and it is our job to find out what it is.
Explanation of title: Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken, is my all time favorite poem. He is my all time favorite author, as well. I read the poem and imagined Paedn standing there. It's a short explanation really!
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